Alice in Wonderland Script Excerpt

PROLOGUE

WHITE R.

Oh, my fur and whiskers! Welcome to Wonderland! (Briefly surveys Audience.) Goodness, what an enormous bunch of Otherlanders! You must have fallen down a very big rabbit hole! But, oh, dear, oh dear, I’m late! (Starts to run off and then stops.) In fact, we’re all late - and that, you see, is the whole problem. Wonderland is running out of time! The Great Clock of Wonderland has been running down for years and if it ever stops Wonderland will be plunged into darkness! The Right Royal Red Queen will lose her throne and the Wrong Royal Red Queen will rule instead – and you try saying that in a hurry!

But there is a solution, indeed there is, because today is the Frabjous Day! And in the Great Book of Wonderland it’s written that on the Frabjous Day, a girl called Alice will fall down a rabbit hole and save us - because she is the only person who can find and turn the key to rewind the clock!

But where is she? I’ve checked all my rabbit holes and still no Alice – and the Frabjous Day celebrations are upon us! I must go and check them all again! (Checks pocket watch) Oh, my dear paws, I’m late! In fact, I must get ahead of myself, because at the moment I’m behind myself - and I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! (Starts to rush off.)

(With a crash of cymbals, BANDERSNATCH, a thoroughly disreputable looking rabbit, jumps on.)

Oh, no! It’s Bandersnatch, the beastly, horrible Wrong Rabbit!

BANDER.

Yes, it’s me! Bandersnatch the Wrong Rabbit - and right-hand rabbit to the Wrong Royal Red Queen! And that means one baaaad rabbit! In fact, I’m the baddest, baddass bad rabbit in all Wonderland, so you lot, can all give me a jolly good boo…! (AUDIENCE boo.) Thank you, thank you - I thank you! Rabbits rule, right…! And what is more – me and the Wrong Rabbits have been digging extra rabbit holes, so who knows? Alice might just pop down one of ours and then you’ll be stuffed and the Wrong Red Queen will be the boss!!

WHITE R.

Fiddlesticks and candlewax! Alice will be our saviour, as sure as ferrets are ferrets!

BANDER.

Not if she falls down one of our rabbit holes!

WHITE R.

It’s written in the Great Book of Wonderland! She will find the key and she will wind up the clock!

BANDER.

Oh, no she won’t!

WHITE R.

(encouraging Audience) Oh, yes she will!

BANDER.

Oh, no she won’t!

WHITE R.

Oh, yes she will!

BANDER.

She won’t, she won’t, she won’t – as sure as rabbits are rabbits!

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WHITE R.

She will, she will, she will – as sure as rabbits are rabbits and Wrong Rabbits are wrong! (To Audience.) Thank you!

BANDER.

Well, good luck with the Jabberwocky then, because he guards the key and no one even knows where he lives!

WHITE R.

Alice will find the key!

BANDER.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!” It’s all there in the Great Book! Something savage he is!

WHITE R.

Alice will tumble down to us on the Frabjous Day from the Otherland above and she will tame the Jaberwocky and she will wind the clock!

BANDER.

Well, we’d better get a move on then. The Frabjous Day is about to start and the Great Clock has nearly stopped. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go and check my rabbit holes again. (To Audience.) Let’s have a nice big boo to send me on my way…! I thank you! (Exits.)

WHITE R.

And I must check my rabbit holes too! And I’ve also got to find my trumpet to announce the King and Queen! Oh, my fur and whiskers! I’m late! The future of Wonderland hangs by a thread – and I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! (Runs off.)

PART 1. SCENE 1.

Wonderland. Fantastical Garden or Village Setting. Big clock dominates up centre.

TWEEDLEDEE and TWEEDLEDUM and the CHORUS as WONDERLANDERS (Playing Card characters, Animals, Live Flowers etc. etc.) are discovered celebrating. OPENING NUMBER.)

DEE.

Hello everybody and welcome!

DUM.

You are in Wonderland!

DEE.

And it’s the 43rd of June!

DUM.

The Frabjous Day!

ALL.

Callooh Callay – Hooray, Hooray!

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CHORUS 1.

The day Alice comes to save us!

CHORUS 2.

But where’s the King?

DEE.

And contrariwise the Queen?

CHORUS 3.

You’re the royal pages. You should know.

DEE.

Contrariwise –

DUM.

No, not contrariwise, we are the royal pages!

DEE.

But why should we know what we don’t know when we don’t know it? That’s logic that is.

(The WHITE RABBIT runs on with his trumpet. Desperately panting for breath, he blows a comic fanfare and collapses.

MUSIC. The RIGHT ROYAL RED KING and QUEEN enter. The KING pushes the QUEEN who is sitting on a throne on wheels - which could be as simple as a decorated wheelchair. The CHORUS make way and the QUEEN waves to one and all.)

QUEEN.

Hello everyone! Here we are! Give us a wave. How lovely to see you all - and a very happy Frabjous Day to you!! Etc… (To KING) That’s it, dear. I think we’ll stop just here. (Getting out of throne.) Do you know what this is…? It’s a mobile throne! You might as well laugh; they don’t get any better! Only joking… (Slightly bitter.) In fact, that was my only joke.

(The QUEEN notices the KING who has sat down on the throne and fallen asleep.)

That’s it, dear. You take the weight off your feet. Anyway, we’re bang up to date here in Wonderland, even if it is the middle of the nineteenth century. That throne for instance – ultra low emissions!

(We hear a loud fart. Everyone looks at the sleeping KING, who adjusts his position.)

Well, most of the time... So, moving swiftly on, allow me to introduce myself. I am the Right Royal Red Queen of Wonderland!

(ALL cheer.)

Thank you. And that’s my hubby, the King. He used to be the Knave of Hearts, but now he’s the King of Hearts, or to give him his proper title, the Right Royal Red King of Wonderland! But I just call him Ernie.

KING.

(wakes briefly) And I call her Doris! (Falls back asleep.)

QUEEN.

(sighs) Some princesses kiss frogs, but I seem to have kissed a dormouse. So, a quick warning, girls. There actually is a dormouse in this show… Just make sure you don’t kiss him! Anyway, where was I?

WHITE R.

It’s the Frabjous day, your Majesty.

D & D.

The day Alice comes to save us!

QUEEN.

Oh, yes – because we are in the most awful pickle!

KING.

(waking briefly) I never touched the tarts!

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QUEEN.

What? Oh, just go back to sleep dear.

(The KING does so.)

So, where is she? Where is Alice?

WHITE R.

I think she might be late, your Majesty.

QUEEN.

Late? She can’t be late. It’s the Frabjous day! I thought you’d been digging extra rabbit holes!

WHITE R.

I have, your Majesty! I just hope she’ll be here soon!

(Ominous chord. BANDERSNATCH and the WRONG RABBITS - GORDON, NIBBLES, MAUREEN and RODNEY, enter cheering and jeering L. The WONDERLANDERS clear anxiously R.)

BANDER.

Well, we’ve been digging too – and there’s loads more of us!

GORDON.

Yeah, we’re the Wrong Rabbits!

(The WRONG RABBITS cheer and shout.)

W RABBITS.

(chanting) Wrong Rabbits! Wrong Rabbits! Wrong Rabbits...!

NIBBLES.

The Wrong Rabbits of Wonderland!

BANDER.

Yeah, that’s us - and diggers extraordinaire! So, if it’s rabbit holes you’re talking about, she’s bound to fall down one of ours!

(We hear a whoosh and a female scream off R.)

ALL.

It’s Alice!

BANDER.

Blimey! It is Alice! After her!

(The WRONG RABBITS start to rush off R.

We hear another woosh and a lower pitched scream off L.)

No, no, no! It’s the other way! This way, you horrible rabbits, she’s this way!

(The WRONG RABBITS rush off L.)

DEE.

Oh no - everything’s going contrariwise!

DUM.

We’re all doomed!

WHITE R.

And it’s all too late!

QUEEN.

Somebody DO something!!!

(The KING wakes up.)

KING.

(flustered) What, what??!!

QUEEN.

Oh, go back to sleep!

BANDER.

(off) We’ve got her!!!

W RABBITS.

(off) Hooray!!

(Cheering raucously, the WRONG RABBITS storm back on with HARRY.)

W RABBITS.

We’ve got Alice! We’ve got Alice! We’ve got Alice…!

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BANDER.

So, you lot are all officially stuffed!

WHITE R.

And the Wrong Royal Red Queen will make our lives a misery!

BANDER.

Or worse!

CHORUS 4.

But I thought Alice was supposed to be a girl!

BANDER.

What…? Well, this one’s a boy! Aren’t you, Alice?

HARRY.

No, my name’s Harry – and will you please let go of me! (Breaks free.)

QUEEN.

Harry? Who’s Harry? Is there a Harry mentioned in the Great Book?

WHITE R.

I don’t believe so, your Majesty.

QUEEN.

So, what are you doing here?

HARRY.

Well, it’s all very curious.

DEE.

Of course, it’s curious!

DUM.

You’re in Wonderland!

HARRY.

Goodness, is that where I am? You see, I’d just caught sight of a beautiful girl by the riverbank –

QUEEN.

(excitedly) With long blond hair and a blue dress?!

HARRY.

Yes – how did you know?

QUEEN.

It’s her! I know it!

HARRY.

I started to follow her, as I was trying to pluck up courage to say hello, or what a nice day –

QUEEN.

And then you fell down a rabbit hole!

HARRY.

Yes – that’s right.

QUEEN.

So, where is she? Where’s Alice?

HARRY.

I don’t know. Who is Alice?

ALICE.

(entering) Me! I’m Alice.

ALL.

ALICE!!!!

QUEEN.

Oh, my stays and wotsits! It is Alice!

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KING.

(waking) Alice! Did you say Alice!!??

QUEEN.

Yes, Ernie it’s Alice – as sure as tarts are tarts and my name’s Doris!

HARRY.

You’re the girl by the riverbank!

ALICE.

Yes - and I’ve just fallen down a rabbit hole. It’s all very –

HARRY.

Curious?

ALICE.

Yes, exactly…very curious. And you must be the boy by the riverbank.

HARRY.

Yes… I think we’ve both fallen down rabbit holes. My name’s Harry.

ALICE.

Harry... I’ve always liked the name Harry.

HARRY.

And I’ve always thought that Alice was a lovely name!

BANDER.

Oh, Gordon Bennett! Can we get on with it?!

HARRY.

Be quiet! Nobody asked for your opinion.

(THE WRONG RABBITS snigger.)

BANDER.

Shut your faces!

ALICE.

But where are we? And who are all of you?

WHITE R.

We’re Wonderlanders. You’re in Wonderland.

BANDER.

Ooh, listen to him. All fur coat and no whiskers!

QUEEN.

Don’t listen to him, dear. He’s just a very naughty rabbit. But you Alice - you have come to us in our hour of need from the Otherland above. Just as it was written in the Great Book!

ALICE.

But two minutes ago, I was minding my own business by the riverbank.

QUEEN.

I know dear. It must all seem very topsy turvy. But you are here to save Wonderland!

BANDER.

Oh, no she isn’t!

KING.

(exploding into life) Oh, yes she is!

BANDER
& W RABS.

Oh, no she isn’t!

OTHERS.

Oh, yes she is!

BANDER
& W RABS.

She isn’t! She isn’t! She isn’t!

OTHERS.

She is! She is! She is!

KING.

(furiously carrying the momentum forward) With knobs on, big knobs, big brass knobs, bigger than any rabbit is capable of imagining, because that is how it is written in the Great Book and THAT is my decree!!!!!

QUEEN.

Well… Goodness! Your King has spoken! (To KING.) Well said, Ernie! (To ALICE.) Will you help us?

ALICE.

I don’t know. What do I have to do?

QUEEN.

Well, you see dear, we just need to wind up the Great Clock of Wonderland, because if it stops, we’ll all be plunged into darkness!

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BANDER.

And the Wrong Royal Red Queen will rule!

(The WRONG RABBITS cheer.)

QUEEN.

Oh, do be quiet! (To ALICE) So, we just have to find the Jaberwocky -

ALICE.

The Jaberwocky?

BANDER.

And he’s terrifying! Rip your guts out as soon as look at you!

QUEEN.

Yes. He is a bit grumpy by all accounts and we don’t really know where he lives. But we just need to find him, wherever he is, and then we - well, you - just have to persuade him to let us have the key.

ALICE.

And that’s it?

QUEEN.

That’s it. And then you wind up the clock and we all live happily ever after!

BANDER.

In your dreams!

HARRY.

Will you and your bunch of delinquent rabbits just pipe down!

WRONG Rs.

(derisively) Ooooh!

QUEEN.

So, will you help us?

OTHERS.

PLEASE!!!

ALICE.

Alright then, I will!

(All WONDERLANDERS cheer. We hear the first stroke of an enormous Big Ben-like clock.)

WHITE R.

Oh, no!

ALICE.

What’s that?

QUEEN.

It’s the Great Clock -

ALL.

(counting) One!!

QUEEN.

And it’s noon. This is always a stressful time for us!

(As the clock chimes, all on stage count out the strokes. The WONDERLANDERS do so anxiously and the WRONG RABBITS in gleeful anticipation of it stopping.)

ALL.

Two…! Three…! Four…! Five…! Six…! Seven…! Eight…! Nine…! Ten…! Eleven…!

(There is a delay. The eleventh stroke echoes as it starts to die away. The lights flicker. The WRONG RABBITS are exultant. Finally, the twelfth stroke sounds and the hour hand on the clock moves to twelve.)

ALL.

Twelve!

(The WONDERLANDERS cheer. The WRONG RABBITS boo.)

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QUEEN.

Thank goodness! We’re alright for now!

(Huge ominous chord. The WRONG ROYAL RED QUEEN enters.)

WRONG Q.

Good afternoon, my scurvy soon to be subjects! Alright for now maybe, but your time is running out! (Sees ALICE.) What’s this? Blue dress, blond hair – why is she over there? Why haven’t we got her with us, you moronic cottontail?!

BANDER.

She fell down the wrong rabbit hole, your Wrongness.

WRONG Q.

(contemptuously mimicking) ‘She fell down the wrong rabbit hole, your Wrongness!’ Why didn’t she fall down one of ours?! One of the right wrong rabbit holes!!!

MAUREEN.

We got this one instead, your Wrongness. (Indicates HARRY.)

WRONG Q.

And who’s he??!!

BANDER.

Says his name’s, Harry, Ma’am.

WRONG Q.

(looks him up and down admiringly) Oooh… Harry! Very nice - teeth. Well maybe we’ll find a use for him.

HARRY.

(indignantly) I beg your pardon!

WRONG Q.

No need to beg. It might just be your lucky day. (To WONDERLANDERS.) Oh, I am sooo looking forward to when the Great Clock ticks its last tock!

ALICE.

But I’m going to wind it back up again!

WRONG Q.

Not so easy, my plucky little miss. First, you’ll have to find the Jabberwocky, the manxome foe with eyes of flame who guards the key! And not one of your new friends has the faintest idea where he even lives!

BANDER.

But we do!

RODNEY.

Yeah! That’s right Boss! He lives in the Dragon Tooth Mountains!

(RODNEY realises that he has made a mistake.)

Well, I mean – not necessarily… He probably doesn’t. Actually…

(The WRONG RABBITS hold their breath.)

WRONG Q.

Name?

BANDER.

Rodney Wrong Rabbit, ma’am.

WRONG Q.

(exploding at RODNEY) You futile fur ball! You worse than useless excuse for a pair of adorable floppy ears! (Grabs to the R or L of RODNEY’S mouth.) Are these your whiskers?

RODNEY.

(miserably) Yes, ma’am.

WRONG Q.

Well, now they’re mine! (Yanks whiskers.)

RODNEY.

Owooh!

WRONG Q.

(delicately letting whiskers fall) And let that be a lesson to all of you. Anything that displeases me I will punish. And I am easily displeased. Well. You may have your Alice, but the Dragon Tooth Mountains can only be reached through Tulgey Wood, home to the Wrong Rabbits – and no one escapes the Wrong Rabbits of Wonderland! I’ll see you all again later when I am your Queen – and that means you too - Harry. (Blows him a sultry kiss.) Come!

(The WRONG RED QUEEN sweeps out with the WRONG RABBITS.

There is general consternation. “What are we going to do?” etc etc…)

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DEE.

No one can cross Tulgey Wood!

DUM.

It’s dangerous!

WHITE R.

I wouldn’t be seen dead in Tulgey Wood.

DUM.

You would be dead in Tulgey Wood!

HARRY.

But doesn’t your book say that Alice can find the key?

QUEEN.

Indeed, it does – and I think that there is only one thing we can do in a situation like this.

ALICE.

What’s that?

QUEEN.

We must bake some tarts and then Alice will be able to go forward fortified by the tarts of Wonderland! And not only that –

ALICE.

Yes?

QUEEN.

We can all have a nice cup of tea! But before that –

ALL.

What?

QUEEN.

Somebody catch the King – he’s fallen asleep!

(The KING falls backwards into the waiting arms of one or two CHORUS strategically placed behind him.)

KING.

(waking) It’s the Frabjous day!

QUEEN.

You said it, Ernie! And Alice is here, so let’s celebrate!

NUMBER. BLACKOUT.