Robin Hood and the Babes in the Wood Script Excerpt

In order to capture the BABES, The wicked SHERIFF and his henchman, DENNIS have come to the village school run by WINNIE WIDEBOTTOM, the Dame. They are dressed as sweet little school girls and wear belts with assorted weaponry...

WINNIE.

Oh, hello. Who are you?

SHERIFF.

(in a girlish voice.) I’m Sherry and this is my friend Denny...

DENNIS.

(in an equally girlish voice) And we’re girls.

WINNIE.

Of course you are, dear. Do I know you from somewhere?

SHERIFF.

(truculently) What’s it to you?

WINNIE.

I beg your pardon?

TUCK.

They're very big girls, Miss!

WINNIE.

And you're a very big boy, Tuck, but we won't worry ourselves about that.

DENNIS.

We're new girls, Miss.

SHERIFF.

Yes, we're new. We've never even been to Nottingham before!

WINNIE.

Well - you'd better go and sit down with the other children.

BOTH.

Yes, Miss. (They go to sit down.)

WINNIE.

Just one moment –

SHERIFF.

(irritably) What is it now? (Recovering.) I mean – Yes, Miss?

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WINNIE.

(indicating weapons) Where did you get those?

SHERIFF.

Eh?

DENNIS.

Our Mums gave them to us, Miss.

WINNIE.

Some mothers these days… I'm going to have to confiscate them. No one needs a machete in class.

SHERIFF.

But, Miss –

WINNIE.

Or a pump action shot gun. You can have them back at the end of term. Now, come on, hand them over.

SHERIFF.

But - oh, very well. (They hand over their weapons.)

WINNIE.

Thank you. Now, go and sit down the pair of you and we'll continue…

(THE SHERIFF and DENNIS go to sit with the BABES. They push along the bench so that the two CHORUS on the downstage end are pushed off onto the floor.)

Hang on, hang on. You can’t just barge along like that –

SHERIFF.

But we want to sit next to Tilly and Tommy!

WINNIE.

(indicating trick bench) Sit at the front where I can see you.

(DENNIS moves, but the SHERIFF folds his arms and stays put.)

SHERIFF.

Shan’t!

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WINNIE.

Sherry, do as you’re told, this instant! I won’t tolerate talking back like that. Any more nonsense and I shall be forced to punish you!

(The rest of the class start whispering excitedly.)

TUCK.

She’ll give you a whack!

JOAN.

Really hard!

WINNIE.

Now, go and sit down with Denny.

SHERIFF.

Oh, very well!

(The SHERIFF goes and sits grumpily on the trick end of the bench.)

Right now. History – who knows where Magna Carta was signed?

(DENNIS leaps up with his hand in the air. The SHERIFF falls off the end of the trick bench.)

SHERIFF.

Oof!

DENNIS.

At the bottom, Miss!

WINNIE.

Correct! Sherry what are you doing playing about on the floor?

SHERIFF.

It wasn’t my fault!

WINNIE.

Sherry, I’ve already warned you once before.

SHERIFF.

But, Miss –

WINNIE.

Not another word. Sit down and behave yourself properly.

SHERIFF.

(sitting) It isn’t fair!

WINNIE.

Life isn’t fair. Now, who can tell me who invented King Arthur’s round table?

DENNIS.

Please, Miss!

WINNIE.

Yes, Denny?

DENNIS.

(leaping up) Sir Cumference!

(The SHERIFF is again deposited on the floor.)

WINNIE.

Correct! Sherry, get up this moment!

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SHERIFF.

But it wasn’t my fault!

WINNIE.

Don’t make it worse by arguing. This is your final warning. Any more nonsense and I shall give you a smack! Sit down and be a good girl like Denny.

SHERIFF.

But -

WINNIE.

Sit down!

(Scowling furiously, the SHERIFF sits.)

WINNIE.

Good. Hopefully your Chemistry will be better than your History… Now, listen carefully, if H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

DENNIS.

(shoots up hand) Please, Miss, I know it, I know it!

WINNIE.

Yes, Denny, what is it?

DENNIS.

H2O cubed!

WINNIE.

Three out of three, Denny! Stand up and take a bow.

(DENNIS stands up and again, the SHERIFF lands on the floor.)

WINNIE.

Sherry, you are the naughtiest girl in Nottingham! Now, come here and hold your hand out!

SHERIFF.

But, Miss -

WINNIE.

(whacking desk furiously with a slapstick) I said come here!
(Ominously.) Or I shall exclude you…