Winner Best Pantomime - NODA South East Awards 2017

	Jack and the Beanstalk Script Excerpt
	Princess Demelza is discovered in the Giant's Kitchen. She is in a gilded cage, or imprisoned in some way. She sings a sad song... Slimeball enters.
SLIME.	Hello again, Miss Demelza!  Lovely song, lovely sentiment. Shame it’s just a lot of old tosh.
PRINCESS.	Go boil your head!
SLIME.	I'd sooner grill your toes. But never mind, I just thought you'd like to know that lover boy is on his way.
GIANT.	(off) Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman, Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones To make my bread!
SLIME.	Here he is, the blushing groom!
	(The GIANT enters.)
GIANT.	Slimeball! Where’s that cow you got me. I’m hungry!
SLIME.	She’s just in the larder.
PRINCESS.	Daisy’s in the larder?!
SLIME.	We’ve been fattening her up for you.
GIANT.	Not too fat. I wanna look good for my little wifey to be.
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PRINCESS.	I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man in the history of the world!
GIANT.	But I love you, Demelza!
PRINCESS.	You’ve never even met me before.
GIANT.	But I’ve met you in my dreams.
PRINCESS.	How disgusting!
	(Short NUMBER for GIANT, with grotesque soul dancing.)
GIANT.	There, Baby. Now do you see it was meant to be?
PRINCESS.	No, I do not!
SLIME.	Now, I call that ungrateful!
GIANT.	Not to worry. I’ll marry her anyway – and if it don’t work out - she’ll make a very tasty snack. Where’s Hetty?
SLIME.	(picks up a hen sitting in a basket) Here she is. Your little treasure.
GIANT.	Lay a golden egg for Daddy, Hetty!
	(SOUND EFFECT. Hen cackles ending with a little whoop.)
SLIME.	(holding up golden egg) One a day, regular as clockwork.
GIANT.	Give it to Demelza as a little prezzie from me. (Goes to sit at his table.)
SLIME.	(handing egg to PRINCESS) Isn’t he the perfect gentleman?
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GIANT.	Shut your face, you grovelling little toad. And put Hetty back on the table. Where’s that intruder you told me about. Have you caught him yet?
SLIME.	Er, not quite.
GIANT.	Not quite? Well, get after him you dim witted slug!
SLIME.	One thousand excuse me’s; I’ll get on to it straightaway. (Exits.)
GIANT.	This is the life, eh? Me in the kitchen and you in your little cage.
PRINCESS.	I’m not speaking to you.
GIANT.	You just did. I’ve got the key right here, baby. (Pats tummy. Large keys are on his belt.) This is my other special treasure. My magic harp. (Picks it up. SOUND effect. The harp plays.) See? Isn’t it pretty? (Yawns.) I like music. It always makes me sleepy. (Puts down harp which stops playing.) I might just have – (Yawns again.) a little nap. (Falls asleep and snores gently.)

Jack and the Beanstalk Characters

• EDENA THE ECO FAIRY, A homespun, country girl. Any age, rural accent.
• SLIMEBALL, The Giant’s henchman. There is something slightly spiv like about him.
• JACK TROT, Principal Boy. Male or Female.
• PRINCESS DEMELZA, Principal Girl.
• KING BERTRAM, Officious, pompous, more confident in his abilities than he has a right to be.
• FLUNKIT, The Royal Flunky. Male but could be played by a female. Well meaning.
• DAME TROT, Warm hearted, rumbustious dame.
• SIMPLE SIMON, Dame Trot’s cowman. Loveable and slightly vulnerable.
• DAISY THE COW, Full of bovine mischief.
• GIANT BLUNDERBORE, Genuinely believes himself in love with Demelza – but lacks a moral compass!
• CHORUS as Villagers, Fairies, Cockroaches *, Ghosts Etc.

* I have specified cockroaches, but feel free to change to evil goblins, zombies etc etc. Whatever you fancy costuming!