Jack and the Beanstalk (Version 2) Script Excerpt

Mrs Giant has hid Jack in the cupboardā€¦.

GIANT.

(sniffs) What’s that smell?

MRS G.

What’s what smell?

GIANT.

It’s a human, Earthyling smell!

MRS G.

No, it isn’t.

GIANT.

Yes it is – and when I find him –

MRS G.

Who says it’s a him?

GIANT.

Of course it’s a him! (Roaring and searching) Fee, fi, fo - !

MRS G.

Bunnykins –

GIANT.

(still roaring) What!!?

MRS G.

(turns to reveal very red lipstick, inexpertly applied) What do you think of my new lipstick?

GIANT.

Eh?

MRS G.

It’s called crimson bombshell.

GIANT.

It’s exploded all over your face alright

MRS G.

(upset) Oh, Bunnykins!

GIANT.

Look, I was doing my four F’s! (Trying to roar.) Fee, fi, fo - (Breaking off.) I can’t do ‘em now - you’ve put me off.

MRS G.

Well, it serves you right!

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GIANT.

Fee, fi – I tell you, when I do find him, I’ll chomp him to pieces! You watch me! (Renews roaring.) Fee, fi, fo –

MRS G.

You used to be such a snugglepuff.

GIANT.

Flippin’ FUM!

MRS G.

Why are you always so grumpy and threatening to eat people?

GIANT.

Why wouldn’t I be grumpy and threatening to eat people? I’m knocking around up here with no one for company but you and a few goblins! I used to be somebody. I used to be a –

MRS G.

Oh, hush your nonsense. Why can’t you remember happy things, like when we were young and spry and we’d dance until the wee small hours? Sometimes –

GIANT.

What?

MRS G.

I don't think you really love me anymore!

GIANT.

Of course I love you - I’m your Mr Snookums!

MRS G.

No, you’re not Mr Snookums – you’re Mr Grumpy-face.

GIANT.

I am not Mr Grumpy-face!

MRS G.

You are!

GIANT.

(angrily) I am the love monkey!

MRS G.

No!

GIANT.

(roaring) I - AM - MR - SNOOKUMS!!

MRS G. 

Then love me like you used to!

(NUMBER. During the number JACK creeps out from the cupboard and releases the baby cows. At the last moment, he returns for – and steals – Mrs Clucky, the hen.

The number seems to resolve matters between the giants and would maybe have ended in an embrace, but the GIANT notices that the cow cupboard door is open.)

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GIANT.

Look! Mrs Giant, look!

MRS G.

What?

GIANT.

The cow cupboard’s open! And all my cows are gone!

MRS G.

Oh, Babyboy!

GIANT. (pointing at table) And look!

MRS G.

Oh, no!

GIANT.

Yes, Mrs Giant! Mrs Clucky’s gone too! Someone’s taken Mrs Clucky! I knew there was an Earthyling here!

MRS G.

No!

GIANT.

Yes! Well, this is it! Mrs Giant, this is it!

MRS G.

But, Mr Snookums -

GIANT.

No, Mrs Giant - no more Mr Snookums! Them down there – they’ve had it! I’m gonna start eating people!

MRS G.

No!

GIANT.

Yes, I’m gonna force myself! What do I care if we’re the only two giants left in the world! I’m gonna be a King again! A tyrant! I’m gonna do such terrible, awful things – they won’t know what’s hit ’em!!

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